I’m sorry you had to go through what I did as a kid but don’t let that become a reason to affect you now and later. By that I mean, sure things that happen during childhood are permanently damaging, but don’t think because it happened that it means you’ll never be able to have a normal or happy later life because of it.

If you’re having thoughts that are negative that could potentially be dangerous to not only yourself but to others then you should go the opposite way and seek help. I have a bad habit of bottling everything up and I never help myself nor do I seek it because I always believed I was a hopeless case. But you don’t know until you try, and it is worth trying. Trust me on that.
I understand fully what you’re going through but if you leave it until it’s too late then you’ll be in an even darker place. Please, take my word for it. You haven’t done anything yet and let it stay that way. If you think you’re in trouble now you’re in for a shock if you step over the line. I hope some if not all of this helps you out, and again I’m sorry.